Snarky Sunday

Today for your amusement we’ll take a stroll down memory lane, courtesy of an old knitting magazine found in my collection.  Perhaps you remember the 1980’s nighttime soap operas, “Dallas,”  “Dynasty” and “Falcon Crest“?  I  confess that I never watched any of these shows.  I never cared who shot J.R. or about the fate of Alexis, but apparently I DID want to knit some of these sweaters.  I don’t remember purchasing this magazine so let’s assume it was a gift.

Holy Bat-wings! Fashionable shades of  powder pink, royal blue and black accentuate the impressive wingspan featured in this sweater. Batman could only dream of Albert knitting this for him.  Lord knows there would be plenty of room for grappling hooks and other accessories. The high rise waist  jeans  really make this ensemble.  (I think I still own a pair of those)

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I don’t recognize either of these  actresses.  My guess is that these ladies needed better agents.  Not only did their acting careers fizzle, but they had to model these linebacker rejects! Could the shoulders be any wider? The second picture looks like a Sesame Street Science experiment gone terribly wrong.  The result being a strange morph between Elmo and a prom queen. Do you remember Julie Brown’s song, “The Homecoming Queen’s Got A Gun“?  Sorry, flashback there.

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Audrey Landers appeared on many 1970’s and 1980’s television shows, including Fantasy Island and The Love Boat. Cheesy sitcoms weren’t her only employment though, she hocked scorchingly ugly sweater patterns as well. Yikes!
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Finally, here’s Andy Gibb.  I don’t know if he ever appeared in a television series, but nevertheless he’s featured in this pattern collection. The alarming lack of shoulder pads and glitter make this sweater the least offensive in this book.  Only the feathered mullet and the fact that Andy died long ago date this as definitive 1980’s.

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If any of y’all are feeling nostalgic and would like to recreate any of these colorful creations then I’d be happy to send you the patterns!  Really, I’d part with them for you.

This morning while watching Mad TV a skit came on for Kinoki Detox Foot Pads.  It was hilarious and I darned near shot coffee out of my nose.  The premise is that you stick these maxi-pad things on the soles of your feet and they suck the toxins out of your body while you’re sleeping. About 30 seconds into the “skit” I realized that this was a REAL COMMERCIAL! Not only do they claim to remove heavy metals and metabolic waste from your system, but they also eliminate mucous and cellulite.  Hot damn, I need these!  Imagine the ensuing mayhem as people dash to their phones following these ads. Chia Pets and Singing Trouts  now have some serious retail competition.Hope you’re all enjoying your Sunday!

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11 Comments

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11 responses to “Snarky Sunday

  1. Dear Lord. How “unattractive”. Still, good for a laugh. I have not seen the foot bottom maxi-pad infomercial *snork*.

  2. HEY! I like normal jeans with a normal waist! Actually, yesterday I discovered that the jeans in all of the local stores are termed “modern waist” jeans. With two inch zippers and not tall enough to cover your underwear….

  3. Ack, those are awful! (and I have many pattern books with similar in them… though I didn’t knit back then, just have accumulated them since). I tend to wear men’s jeans… their rise hasn’t changed all that much. Haven’t seen those commercials either, but a friend of mine does ionic cleansing-do a google search, there’s a lot out there. The pads seem like a mini in home version. I had an ionic cleanse mini session… was kinda nice, warm footbath, relax for a bit, kind of disgusting what the water looked like, but she told me it was clear versus what she usually saw….

  4. Terri

    Uggghhhhhh…. I hope these looks NEVER come back into fashion. They were ugly then, ugly now …just plain ugly.

  5. Oh man, those were some scaaary sweaters!

    I totally know the commercial you’re talking about – I had the exact same reaction the first time I was watching it too.

  6. gillian

    Am I the only one who thought that they were great and even knitted them!!! I must admit there are none left in the wardrobe but I still have my patterns. It has made me want to go search them out.
    I’m six feet tall, though and could take the giant shoulder look and still be taller than I was wide. Gee, I’m really tempted to… no I’d better not.
    Cheers Gillian

  7. gillian

    ps. what on earth is this weird stuff about getting toxins out of the body through the soles of your feet? Has your bum become redundant? Am I still allowed to cough and sneeze and will my armpits continue to sweat? I think I’ve just about got a handle on all the good old fashioned ways and will ‘stick’ with them
    Cheers again Gllian

  8. Tee hee, those pictures were great!! Great, in the worst possible way. 🙂

  9. Andy Gibb looks positively feminine in those non-shoulder-padded sweaters. And the Audrey Landers sweater looks like it’s pointing right at her….uh… high waisted jeans. The cellulite remover pads on your feet? Isn’t that the wrong place to put them? I’d be stickin’ ’em all over my thighs and butt!
    Hope you’re well. Any snow there today? We’re “closed”.
    Love, Karen

  10. ohman that’s some serious fug.

  11. Tara

    Andy Gibb!! I used to love him to no end! Also, I think I subconsciously named my son after him.

    Tara

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