Today for your amusement we’ll take a stroll down memory lane, courtesy of an old knitting magazine found in my collection. Perhaps you remember the 1980’s nighttime soap operas, “Dallas,” “Dynasty” and “Falcon Crest“? I confess that I never watched any of these shows. I never cared who shot J.R. or about the fate of Alexis, but apparently I DID want to knit some of these sweaters. I don’t remember purchasing this magazine so let’s assume it was a gift.
Holy Bat-wings! Fashionable shades of powder pink, royal blue and black accentuate the impressive wingspan featured in this sweater. Batman could only dream of Albert knitting this for him. Lord knows there would be plenty of room for grappling hooks and other accessories. The high rise waist jeans really make this ensemble. (I think I still own a pair of those)
I don’t recognize either of these actresses. My guess is that these ladies needed better agents. Not only did their acting careers fizzle, but they had to model these linebacker rejects! Could the shoulders be any wider? The second picture looks like a Sesame Street Science experiment gone terribly wrong. The result being a strange morph between Elmo and a prom queen. Do you remember Julie Brown’s song, “The Homecoming Queen’s Got A Gun“? Sorry, flashback there.
Audrey Landers appeared on many 1970’s and 1980’s television shows, including Fantasy Island and The Love Boat. Cheesy sitcoms weren’t her only employment though, she hocked scorchingly ugly sweater patterns as well. Yikes!
Finally, here’s Andy Gibb. I don’t know if he ever appeared in a television series, but nevertheless he’s featured in this pattern collection. The alarming lack of shoulder pads and glitter make this sweater the least offensive in this book. Only the feathered mullet and the fact that Andy died long ago date this as definitive 1980’s.
If any of y’all are feeling nostalgic and would like to recreate any of these colorful creations then I’d be happy to send you the patterns! Really, I’d part with them for you.
This morning while watching Mad TV a skit came on for Kinoki Detox Foot Pads. It was hilarious and I darned near shot coffee out of my nose. The premise is that you stick these maxi-pad things on the soles of your feet and they suck the toxins out of your body while you’re sleeping. About 30 seconds into the “skit” I realized that this was a REAL COMMERCIAL! Not only do they claim to remove heavy metals and metabolic waste from your system, but they also eliminate mucous and cellulite. Hot damn, I need these! Imagine the ensuing mayhem as people dash to their phones following these ads. Chia Pets and Singing Trouts now have some serious retail competition.Hope you’re all enjoying your Sunday!