No need to wonder what happened to the space time continuum this week. We were sucked into a blackhole and emerged in the parenthood universe. It’s an amazing place really, where the rules of physics as we know them are non-existent. First rule of this ‘verse… all activities MUST occur simultaneously. Second rule, parents must be present at each and every one of the afore-mentioned activities. Unfortunately, cloning isn’t feasible there either. The good news is that every single sock missing since the invention of feet is located here. The bad news is that all of the “found” socks are still back where they belong. Other truths in this alternate reality involve the loss of energy and intertia. Bodies in motion will not continue forward if unhindered, they will suddenly, and for no apparent reason stop. Charged cell phone batteries and full gas tanks go from full to empty spontaneously. Also, caffeine loses its ability to speed up synapses.
Back in this reality I have a few wonderings though. For instance, I wonder what the people were thinking who handed out these C.D.s in lieu of candy on Halloween.
They were an older couple, whose yard wasn’t decorated, but they stood on their lit porch waiting for children to come up to them anyway. Usually if people don’t like Halloween they simply don’t decorate and turn off their lights as a sign to just skip over the house. When A2 and A3 approached the couple smiled sweetly and said, “Oh look, Cleopatra and a kitty cat!”. To which A3 replied, “I’m not a kitty cat, I’m a Dark Angel! See my black wings?” The couple tsked, looked appalled and commented to one another, loud enough for us to hear, about parents who let their children go out dressed like that. Yup, in their eyes we’re on an expressway to some place hot in a handbasket. Wow, it’s a good thing I ran out of time and didn’t get a chance to don my pregnant nun outfit. In their defense though, we went to their house, not the other way around.
These people, however, and about a thousand more like them, came to our house.
Returning home to find solicitations for yardwork, pizza delivery, donations to various causes, etc. is more common than naught. Sometimes the notices are hanging from our doorknob. Other times they’re tucked under the welcome mat, but recently folks have been taping them to the garage door and sides of our house. I guess this is better than just tossing them in the driveway, but it’s still annoying. Sometimes we don’t get out to collect them for several days and they tend to pile up. Obviously we don’t give a rat’s arse, or more specifically, can’t afford, professional landscapers. As such, the saplings in our gutters are meant to be there. It’s easier to pull actual trees out than it is to reach in and scoop out the gunk, and when they’re large enough they’ll be transplanted into the front yard, thus eliminating the need to mow the grass. I bought a “No Soliciting” sign back when we moved here four years ago, but it’s still not up. If I hadn’t recycled the add for a handyman then maybe I could have called him to install it for us.
Finally, I wonder how much celebrities get paid for doing foreign commercials.