“Project UFO” Status Update
Mission: To search out, make contact with and eradicate all UFOs, WIPs and all other classifications of Incomplete Fiber Endeavors.
Star date: Three days ago: Due to unexpected solar activity all UFO progress postponed. Purge hydroponic chambers of unwanted vegetation. Thorough inventories regarding nutritional output designed to thwart future outbreaks of rickets, scurvy and other deep space maladies reveal a shocking lack of vitamin A producing flora.
Crew members heralding from opposing factions on Planet 9 Lives put aside differences to enjoy shore leave during the solar event. No UFO activity to report.
Star date: Two Days Ago: Solar activity continues, emitting distracting rays. Short-term shuttle excursion to Planet Portlandia suggested to counter distracting U.V. effects. While visiting alien planet, science officer A1 requests extension of outing to include a cultural immersion experiment. Entire landing party boards indigenous mass transportation system known as “The Max”. Diverse population exposure proves overwhelming to crew members A2 and A3, who are unaccustomed to alien cultures due to coming from a primitive background. A2 and A3 unable to maintain decorum and “blend in” after spotting large instructional billboard stating to “Keep Portland Weird”. Hysterical reactions by A2 and A3 begin to draw unwanted attention from locals. Captain Mom suggests sampling native cuisine. Local eatery attracts long line of foreign visitors, but provides questionable nutrition.
Alien confections consumed while studying Portlandia youth at play.
Following completion of cultural studies, crew boards shuttle for return to mother ship.
Upon docking, quantum physics specialist uses “String Theory” methodology to locate “Brown Wardrobe” phenomenon known to harbor UFOs and WIPs. Due to overwhelming nature of discovery, project postponed.
Star date: Yesterday: UFO Bin (top, left basket) successfully extracted from Brown Wardrobe without collapse of universal fibers. Grueling task of separating, categorizing and cataloging individual components complete.
Certain WIP’s prove too dangerous to store safely with salvageable projects.
Threatening anomalies deconstructed and returned to original matter.
Other WIP’s prove too advanced for current technology and will be returned to storage until scientific breakthroughs occur.
Captain Mom, signing out.